... the collapse of the USSR is just us taking a break to let Capitalism catch up.
... you work in a salt mine all day for the development of the state and play beautiful
concertos at night.
... you go to war and 10 million people die and it's no big deal.
... the Cold War was warmer than your house.
... your country has only one subway line and it is the Red Line.
... your toilet paper is the same as you're sand paper, and it feels so good because it is so free.
... you read scary story; It is called Adam Smith Wealth of Nations.
... your olympic swimming team is stronger than Dallas Cowboys American Football.
... you haven't had sex in five years but it makes no difference because you are so happy because the system is so perfect.
... you don't need to go to Mars because it is already a Red Planet.
... you think it is worse to feel hungry than to invade Hungary.
... all you have to lose are your chains but you do not have any chains to lose because you sold them away to buy potatoes for your family.
... freedom is just another word for nothing to left to lose.
... you are finding yourself saying peristroika schmeristroika.
... if you laugh too much and have too much fun you must share it with others. There must be equal distribuition of fun.
... your mother is so fat that she is bigger than our whole country which is biggest, most impressive country in the world, even following the loss of Kazakhastan, Turkmenistan, Uzzbekistan, Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia.
... your mother is so fat that you cannot see her ribs sticking out from her skin because she has enough flesh to cover them.
... your mother is so happy that she has not committed suicide.
... your mother is so fat that she is fatter than fat U.S. Senator who trades pork for barrels of oil to fuel his sixteen wheel cadicllac which he uses to run over poor urban children which he will then eat for dinner.
... you send first dog into space. Also first cartoon dog. Real dog's name was ladka. Cartoon dog's name was snoopy-nik. First real dog Ladka died in space. First cartoon dog snoopy-nik also died in space.
... you hate Charles Schulz because he has taken beloved Russian cartoon creation snoopy-nik and turns him into groveling, pathetic, capitalist, American dog.
... you had first person to die in space.
... you have a PhD but work in bread market putting loaf of bread on shelf but is OK because communist system guarantees full employment for everybody.
... your country is so large, it is the largest. When the other countries left us, it was like separating the wheat from the chaff, but the harvest failed.
... you are better than americans at counting. We have 3,000 more numbers than your highest number. That is why we are better than you.
... you have saying: John Lennon would like to live in yellow submarine. Vladimir Lenin would prefer to command Red October. Red October would sink your yellow submarine and yellow submarine would sink to the bottom of the cold, cold ocean. How do you like to live in yellow submarine now?
... your science has discovered twelve planets to nine for american science. Extra planet are called Lenin planet, Stalin planet, and Snoopy-nik planet.
... you spend Thursday evening you watching must see TV. In russia, on Thursday evening we pick must-pick potatoes. (or) In Russia, on Thursdsay, if we do NOT watch the wonderful programming that the state provides for us, they will just shoot you.
... your favorite game show is "Who wants a million potatoes?" I do because my child died of hunger. I fear the same fate for little one. To help him live.
... your father was in Animal Farm. If you remember in Chapter 3, he was Pinky the Goat. Metaphorically. My father was not actually a goat. He worked as a potato farmer outside of Minsk.
You know you're NOT a communist when your mother goes to grocery store and exchanges goods using fetish-based value system rather than Karl Marx labor theory of value.
Take my meat ration, please.
Take my wife - she is communal.
What advertising genius came up with this one? Advertising?
How many people in russia? One hundred million. How many potatoes? Fifty million. That is only one half potato for me.