CHRIS CARY RESIGNSChris Cary was praised Monday as a “washout and failure” on the New York comedy scene and a “voice of constant inebriation” after he announced his decision not to serve a second term with the now defunct Sam Park Revue.
Two senior SPR members told the AP that the choice to replace Cary would come as a surprise to many, possibly a woman or dolphin, but that it didn’t really matter seeing as how the Sam Park Revue was dead and had been dead for many years now, if by dead you mean not really that funny.
Cary told reporters that he would stay on until his successor was confirmed, but this was blatantly a lie, as evidenced by his packing his belongings into the backseat of a rented white Chevy Impala, 2000 model year, and his driving across country to San Francisco with his father. His father!
Chief Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erakat was one of the voices who praised Cary, though it was unclear why Erakat was watching SPR videos when he should have been “sorting that shit out,” as Cary was oft quoted.
"In our deliberations with him, he has gained our highest respect and appreciation," Erakat said. "He's a fair man and highly dignified and will indeed leave his mark on the New York comedy scene."
[Editor’s Note: The above quote is left only if to illustrate the gross misconceptions that the CPN holds about the New York comedy scene, and his gross exaggerations of Chris Cary’s impact thereupon, the recent rash of historically accurate 19th century sketch comedy groups not-withstanding.]
Palestinians have regarded Cary as one of the Sam Park Revue’s moderate voices, despite his penchant for dating beautiful Jewesses.
"You are a very good friend of Israel, but more than that, you are a very good friend of historically accurate sketch comedy," Shalom told Cary as the two of them faced reporters after a meeting at a local bar. "You have done everything you can to make us laugh. Given that we are not laughing, we are not sure if this reflects more poorly on us or on you."
In Brussels, Robin Moroney described Cary as "a man who has been tireless in his work for the United States, tireless in his work for the Sam Park Revue, tireless in his work for peace in the world ... a very, very fine man, great soldier, great statesman, if a bit of a raging drunk."
Asked whether he sympathized with Cary in his dealings with Wayland and Dholakia, with whom “The Secretary,” as he was jocularly referred to, often butted heads, Moroney demurred.
"My discussions with Cary have the confidentiality of the confessional," he said.
Matty Merrill said Cary "was always very good to deal with."
"I think he's made many friends who I hope will all stay in touch with him," Merrill said, pointing out that he would not likely be one of them now that he was a married man with a nice apartment, a good job and a beautiful wife. "I wish him every success in his future endeavors. Elsewhere."
Jeevan Kalanithi, now the top resident of a fairly dingy apartment, also praised Cary.
"Even after four difficult years in a bitterly divided apartment, I have managed to become a successful commercial actor. I am also constantly engaged in many interesting endeavors, often including my friends John, Ritik, and Matty. We used to have a comedy group, but that’s over now, and we’re busy making art or getting paid. Chris Cary kept immaculate financial records and always recycled" he said.
"He won some and he lost some, but he is a rare commodity in this town: a decent and classy guy who will be missed, but not as much as those dirty-ass shorts."