The following exchange was orignally published October 7, 2001 in SCIENCE magazine's "genius only" e-mail list. It only goes to prove that sometimes genius quarrels...

I am going to apologize right now for what may seem, to a number of you, as a very lengthy, angry, and unprovoked tirade in response to this winter holiday/retreat that the future "Dr. Kalanithi" the FOURTH! (Daddy K, Sumen, Pubby[or Pibby, as I affectionately refer to him], and, finally, the JK himself) has proposed to all of us.

For those of you who do not know me, hello. My name is Ritik, and I am a very large, violently effeminate man possibly of Somoan ancestry. (I do dress extremely well).

If you feel like the following will make you uncomfortable in any way, please advance to the next entry in your e-mail box NOW. If I have, in my anger, accidentally sent this e-mail to you more than once, perhaps TEN times, and the next entry into your e-mail box is the VERY SAME angry e-mail as this current e-mail, I extend my apologies once again.

OK, here we go.

JEEVAN WHAT THE HELL?!

WHAT IN THE HELL?!

What is this gallavanting about? What is this masquerade of science? What are these vacations? Have you worked on honest day in your life, not counting those months manning the fry machine at Mickey D's in Kingman? Sierra Camp? Hardly. First Light? No chance. The Gluck Lab? Try again. Do you deserve a vacation?

Ask yourself this. While there are people in the world who do not have enough to eat. Not enough to eat, Jeevan, while you casually eschew the Hot Dog products I often offer you. For shame!

Jeevan, you make me sad the way you pee all over that hallowed word "scientist." Do you even have a white lab coat? (Without Pooh Bear stickers on it?) Where are your goggles? Where are your beakers? Where is your scientist hair? Give it a rest, my friend, you are at best a Scien-tease.

What is this symbolic systems? Is it neuroscience? No. Is it psychology? No. Is it computer programming or engineering? No. Then? What the foo-schniggety?

Who do you think you are, trying to play God? Play God with rabbits, you rabbit killing sonofagum.

And Canada! Did you not hear what the mayor said? Did the mayor say "Americans, go to Canada, and spend money." Hell no! He didn't say that. Does the mayor stutter? Does he speak a foriegn language? Do you mean to imply that the mayor stutters or speaks a foreign language? Like Dominican or Cuban? Is that what you are implying?!

I did not see in your e-mail any provisions for going to Canada and sneaking Robin back into your country in your luggage, clothing, or underpants. Why is that? I think you should answer this question, you Robin-not-caring-he-can-go-to-hell-and-so-can-Belgium-and-all-of-Europe-too not caring sonofagum. You can take your so-called "Arizona independent-mindedness/go-it-alonedness" and stuff it in a horse's patookie.

Enough of the general rants, let's deal with the specific blasphemes, you handsome, handsome dog of a man you.

On Tue, 02 October 2001, Jeevan wrote: the prices i gave you for BC were in Canadian dollars, which, while respectable, pale in the comparison to the rippling might of the American dollar. In light of this fact, it takes more canadian dollars to buy stuff.

Currently $1.56 Canadian purchases you $1 American. Better than respectable, methinks.

Now, let's take for example, a candy bar, which may cost you $1 American. If you took that $1 American to Canada, you would receive $1.56 Canadian. Presumably, this will purchase you the same candy bar. However, what that Canadian $1.56 also purchases you, in addition to that candy bar, is health insurance, scenic beauty and rustic charm, superior rodeo, and a funny accent. Is that worth an extra $.56? You decide.

The answer is no. Where is the freedom?

Canadian hotel prices: WHO CARES! NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO CANADA. WHERE ARE THE HOOKERS? (Remember, that's a rugby term).

vancouv-town (remember i think i'm staying w/lacy's mom)

Hi Lacy! Please inform Dr. JK that no one NO ONE calls your fair jewel of the Northern Pacific vancouv-town. We are not rednecks.

Jeevan, why did you check out DOD resorts? Stealth Mode? Delta Whistler? Who are you, Paul Wolfstein?

single-triple $83US/night (additional $17US per extra person -- but we could be stealth mode)

DELTA WHISTLER RESORT - single/double ($96US/night) $19US extra per extra person

CRYSTAL LODGE - single/double ($71US/night) $15US extra per extra person

Crystal Lodge. Sounds like the place, you long haired hippie freak.

lift tickets are discounted at $28US

In America, we call them elevators.

And now for the really incendiary stuff, written just earlier in the day (I will
highlight the truths, half-truths, outright lies, and blasphemes):

Dear friends (half-truth, Jeevan now has new, better New York City friends)

Have I got a deal for you (lie). I am MAYBE going to two Scientific Conferences (blaspheme!) this winter in ski resort/sundance film festival arenas, and I'm trying to save some dough on hotel fare (truth, Jeevan is cheap). So, who wants to come with me and partay heartay/harday? Them conference organizers allow lots of time to ski and screw around, so I'll be with you 99.44% (lie, Jeevan will find hookers[remember, that's a rugby term]). If I can get some of you to come, I'm DEFINITELY going to go (and mooch off you). I'm looking at you, Dana or Ha'ane, you Sky-Vixens with your cheap airfares (are you girls stewardesses??). I'm also looking at you, Ted. But that's because I just can't help myself from doing so (truth).

(1) PARTY OPPORTUNITY UNO. (Uno means number one in Dominican)

I am going to British Columbia (blaspheme!) for a Scientific Conference (blaspheme!). Vancouver, Dec 4-6 (or vancou-town, as JK says) Whistler, Dec 6-8. I have arranged housing FOR MYSELF only at lacy's mom's pad in Vancouver (truth). I understand that such arrangements are reserved for distinguished gentlemen (truth) such as myself only (blaspheme, defamation of the word "gentleman"). But I cannot say I'm the final word on this matter – lacy (truth)?

However, I have nothing in Whistler, home of beautiful ski resorts, as of yet. Anyone down? Anyone have a cabin and/or cave I could stay in (attempt to mooch.)?

I can arrange rooms in the Hyatt(!) (classy, JK) for about $125 a night. Or we can find a hooker (did anyone else notice this. Boy!).

(2) PARTY OPPORTUNITY DOS. (Dos means two in Cuban, maybe also Dominican).

Park City, Utah, for a Scientific Conference (blaspheme!). Jan 12-15, 2002.

Home of beautiful ski resorts AND HEY YOU FILM BUFFS, THE SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL IS HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME (half-truth, depends on your interpretation of time.)

Anyone down, or have a cabin or unusually warm tree I could stay in (offer a tree to the mooch)?

Park City Marriott(!) for $132 a night, or go somewhere cheaper. Prob stay from Sat-Tues, 3 nights. (Mariott! Hot stuff! Mikey likey.)

PLEASE RESPOND WITHIN 24 HOURS, I HAVE TO MAKE MY DECISION SOON (I know I never respond to your e-mails but, hey, that's the way things go). PLEASE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS UNBELIEVABLE OPPORTUNITY TO TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS FOR LITTLE TO NO REASON (AGREED!).

Jeevan, remeber SATs. Where you got a 1580, nerdlinger. Do you remember those days? Here are some correct answers:

Q11. Science is a respectable profession, useful for the advancement of general progress and the uplifting of the human condition, true or false.

TRUE.

Q14. Science is an excuse to par-tay, true or false.

FALSE.

Q15. People who use science as an excuse to par-tay are essentially peeing on the legacies of such luminous gentleman as Sir Isaac Newton, Copernicus, and Einstein, true or false.

TRUE.

Q16. Jeevan is essentially peeing on these people, true or false.

TRUE.

Q18. Newton is reputed to enjoy "golden showers."

FALSE

Q19. Newton would be upset if Jeevan were to pee on him, figuratively or
literally.

TRUE.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

Where should you go on holiday?
A. America
B. Canada
C. America
D. Both A and C, but definitely not B.

Acceptable answers are A, C, and D.

Where in America should you go on holiday?
A. California
B. New York City, like the Mayor said.
C. Not Utah.
D. Utah.

Acceptable answers are A, B, and C.

Why shouldn't you go to Utah?
A. Because they are wierd.
B. Snow.
C. Because they will steal your shit.
D. Because they will try to convert you.

Acceptable answers are A, C, and D. Snow is not a problem. Unless you are doin' it through a straw on a nightly basis! (CC, I'm lookin' in your direction.)

Why am I such an angry, sad Samoan?

A. I can't ski.
B. Suddenly the relative position of Jeevan and I on the lady-love-o-meter has changed drastically (Jeevan was shorn, and boy, does he look good.)
C. I was once harassed by a Volkswagon full of ornery Canadians on holiday, forever scarring me both mental and physical senses.
D. I secretly can't ski.

Well, if you got this far, I apologize. For those of you from Sierra Camp,
cheerio, culties!

I love you all.

Viva Samoa!