Why I Deserve That Teddy R. Figurine by Peter Martin I deserve that Teddy R. figurine more than anyone. Let me tell you a little story -- Teddy was an avid sportsman and killed many magnificent animals. During his tenure he beautified the White House walls with moose heads, tiger torsos, and elephant trunks. It was said that Teddy would kill just about anything, and he proved it one hot day in Brazil when he used the butt of his rifle to cave in the skull of a baby Howler monkey. Yes, a true-blue sportsman, who had a great fondness for fresh air, campfires, and virgin soil soaked with warm primate blood. One fateful day he encountered a furry little head he couldn't bring himself to put a bullet through. He had just shot a huge mother black bear in the back and discovered, wailing woefully in her cave den, a single, cute, little bear cub. Try as he might he couldn't pull the trigger or drop the boot heel on those big, brown eyes filled with innocence. He spared that cub and sold it to a circus where it was promptly defanged, fit for a fez, and taught to ride a unicycle. This show of mercy and compassion revealed the soft underbelly of Theodore Roosevelt, our 26th president, our second-to-last Executive to sport a handlebar mustache. The incident also spurned the production of a toy that is popular to this day: the "Teddy" bear. This splendid figurine immortalizes that monumental day, when tears welled in Teddy's eyes and he refused to kill. As you can see, I would prize that figurine like no other and, frankly, wonder how it ever came into Ovalshow hands.