On Wednesday, September 10, 2003, Christopher Cary wrote:

This Saturday, September 13th, is the Brooklyn Beer Festival. For the low price of $20, from 1-5 pm you get all you can drink of the Brooklyn Brewery's many fine beers. They close off the street and have live bands and/or a DJ outside. It's truly a fun day and a great way to spend time with good friends in a festive atmosphere.

There are no good reasons why you should not come to this event. Below is a list of bogus excuses that you may try to use and the infinitely more logical, rational, and inherantly true response to such tomfoolery:

Andrew Belasco: But I'm going to my Zen meditation retreat this weekend.
Meditate on this: $20 all you can drink, outside with live music.

Dan Eisenberg: But I live in Washington D.C.
Amtrak, Greyhound, your own two feet, etc.

Darren Neighbors: But they will serve beer in cups, not in paper bags like I normally drink it. That's so weird.
I will bring you a bag so that you can put your cup in it.

Emily Costello: But there's a chance of showers on Saturday.
There's also a chance I might break your face. Let's roll the bones, as they say.

Estevan Gonzales: But, but, nothing, I'm there. This is the best idea I've ever heard of.
Exactly.

Eddie Zagha: But I'm in med school, now. I'm an adult.
I hung out with you last weekend, Eddie. And you were not acting like an adult.

Emily Dowdall: But I'm going to Washington, D.C. to visit my boyfriend.
Boyfriend or beer? Which is more fun? I mean, seriously.

Emily Roley: But my name is Emily Roley Merrill now.
Well, then, act like a Merrill and get totally shitcanned and fall asleep on the subway on the way home and wake up at Avenue X.

Evan Anderson: But I never hang out with anybody from work outside of the office.
That is true. And that sucks.

Geoffrey Dworkin: But...
If you don't come for religious reasons, you are excused. I you don't come for bullshit reasons, you will get a interoffice envelope full of my vomit on Monday.

Hannah Taylor: But I'm going to be in Boston.
That was last year. Let's not ruin 2003 like you ruined 2002.

Jarret Hova: But I have become a hermit and live in Long Island with my parents.
A Saturday with your friends or a Saturday with your parents? See you Saturday.

John Wayland: But I don't like beer, you know that. You fuckin' know that.
But you do like whiskey and I've got a bottle of Maker's Mark and a flask on top of my refrigerator. You fuckin' know that.

Joe and John Wetzel: But there's a Notre Dame game on Saturday afternoon.
Each hit the other for foolishly believing that Tyrone Willingham will bring your program back to prominence. Then come drink the coming 3-8 season away with your Stanford friends who know the doom that lies ahead under that coach.

Matty Merrill: But I'm unemployed.
I'm employing you to get fucked up and shout at cars. Starting salary: 8 beers an hour.

Nick Grossman: But this is so awesome, I want to go twice.
I understand you. You can only go once. But maybe if you black out and then black back in, you'll feel as if you have gone twice. It's worth a shot. You'll only find out by drinking your face off this Saturday.

Ritik Dholakia: But my dad and I are having a BBQ in Rhode Island that night.
I think that the Brooklyn Brewery is having a better BBQ. Bring your dad. And your game face.

Stephanie Adamson: But it's in Brooklyn.
There's always a first time.

Sally Williamson: But I spent the whole summer in San Francisco and became soft.
Harden yourself. Start with your liver.

Jonathan Schultz: But the Red Sox...
The Red Sox make you drink sooner or later. Let's start this Saturday.

Thanh-Tam: But I haven't seen you guys in so long, I'm worried that things might be a little awkward.
Redemption lies just a pint (or eight) away.

Jeevan Kalanithi: But I am taking classes at Rutgers this semester and need to study.
Start acting like a college student and get super fucked up and break some shit.

Chris Cary: But you blacked-out last year and walked home from Williamsburg by yourself causing everyone to worry because nobody could reach you on your cel phone because you had used up the whole battery drunk dialing people.
Could it get any worse? Consider it a goal. And bring two cel phone batteries this year. Just in case.