Babies by Roy Aloha Here is the problem i have when someone presents me with a baby: what to do with it? i mean, here is this thing. it is small. it is ugly. it smells. should one throw it? it is very throwable. should one eat it? would it be chewy or crunchy? should one put mayonnaise or mustard or ketchup on the baby? would the baby enjoy that or would it cry? if the babies cries, should you shake it, until the crying stops? should you shake it upside down or rightside up? is it proper to hold a baby upside down by its feet? is it proper to swing the baby around in a circle by its feet? will the baby enjoy this? shouldn't it? if the baby says "wheee!" does that count as music? should one poke the baby? should one find out how much poking a baby can take before it starts to gurgle? is the gurgle music? if you had two babies, and one was gurgling and the other was saying "wheee!" would that count as music? do babies enjoy music? do babies enjoy punk music? is a baby with a safety pin in its diaper a punk baby? should you style a baby's hair? should you dye it purple? should you dye the baby purple? would a purple baby be more tolerable than a regular colored baby? could you sell a purple baby for more than a regular baby? what does a baby go for these days? is it more or less than a luxury car? is it appropriate to put a baby in the frontseat of a luxury car? would a police officer find it amusing if you put a baby in the front seat of a luxury car and claimed that it was the one who was speeding? would a police officer find it amusing if you declared that you thought the baby was drunk and you demanded that the police office give the baby a sobriety test? could a baby pass a sobriety test? if a baby failed a sobriety test, would the baby be hauled away to the drunk tank? would they have small, baby-sized prison jumpsuits at the jail? would the baby sing the blues? when singing the blues, would the baby have a deep, throaty, world-worn voice or a high-pitched, squeaky baby voice? would people find the baby singing the blues poignant, cute, or annoying? would the sargeant declare the blues-singing baby to be an artist? would the sargeant set the baby free? if set free, would the baby return to a life of crime? a hardened-criminal baby at such a young tender age, would that be considered a tragedy? a national tragedy? indicative of the breakdown of society and the traditional family structure? would 20/20 find out about this baby? would hugh downs intone "this tragic baby: what went wrong?" is hugh downs dead? did the baby kill hugh downs? should we consider it a failure of the law enforcement community that we once had this baby behind bars and due to the liberal Democratic crime legislation, this baby was released, only to kill again? to kill hugh downs, one of the most respected newsmen in america? if the baby were caught, tried, and convicted, would the jury return a life sentence or a death sentence? should the baby be executed? would a baby on death row become a celebrity? would tim robbins and susan sarandon support or protest the execution of this baby? this baby who has killed hugh downs and countless others? when the baby is being incarcerated at folsom prison, will the guards take away all of the baby's possessions? the baby's cigarettes? the baby's pornography? will the guards force the baby to open its mouth, and search its mouth for a razor blade? will they remove the gold caps on the baby's teeth? did the dentist who installed the gold caps remark that he thought the baby had very pointy teeth? unusually pointy teeth? did the dentist laugh when saying this? was the laughter nervous? did the baby laugh? did the baby laugh after it bit the dentist on the leg? when the dentist was cursing and wildly swinging his leg, with the baby gripping sinew in his teeth, did the baby learn any words that he did not already know? did the baby know what fuck meant? what shit meant? what bitch meant? what cunt meant? does the baby use these words sparingly? does the baby consider itself a gentleman? when the baby goes out on the town, perhaps with a woman, does the baby wear a tuxedo? a top hat? does the baby now look cute? is the woman a friend, or from an escort service? is she beautiful or interesting? or both? is the baby satisfied in this relationship? is this a relationship? have the baby and the woman discussed where they think this relationship is going? if the baby can only coo and gurgle, how does the baby communicate its feelings to the woman? does the baby love the woman? or does the woman only project a reflection of her own love onto the baby? is the baby capable of love? was the baby thinking of love when it drank all of that champagne at your sister's wedding? when the baby was peeing in the fountain and singing "that's entertainment!," was the baby thinking about love then? or when the baby rolled a joint and smoked it with the limousine chauffeur, was the baby thinking about love then? when the baby started arguing with the chauffeur about how he was smoking more than his share of the pot, was the baby thinking about love then? when the baby tried to punch the chauffeur, but instead threw up and passed out, was the baby thinking about love? what was the baby thinking about when it ate all of the jumbo shrimp earlier in the evening? did the baby remark how like a jumbo shrimp it in fact looked? pink and wrinkly? can the baby swim? if the baby were thrown into the ocean, would it float? if the baby were put in a boat on an ocean, could it manage? or would it capsize? if the baby were put in charge of the United States Navy, ignoring its checkered past, would it be perceived as a grand joke? or a shrewd political move? would the baby paint all of the warships in the navy periwinkle blue and pink? would the baby harass its secretary? would the baby's secretary be a gay man? would the baby approve or disapprove of this? would the baby think butt sex was revolting? would the baby make off-color jokes about foreign heads of state having butt sex when meeting with the president? did you and the prime minister have butt sex over there in england, mr. president? would the baby say that? would the president laugh or be offended? would the vice president take the baby over his knee and sternly spank it? would the baby secretly enjoy this? does the baby understand what secrets are, or can it not keep its damn mouth closed? should one confide in the baby? will the baby double-cross you? will this be devious or mischievous? would the baby understand your anger? would the baby apologize? would it apologize with its eyes? would it mean it? could one tell? if one thought the baby were being insincere, would one be justified in growing angry with the baby? physically angry? should one challenge the baby to a fight? a knife fight? is there anything more humiliating than losing to a baby in a knife fight? would one have the respect of the hispanics anymore? would losing the respect of the hispanics be so shameful? so shameful that one might think of giving the baby away? giving the baby away as a present, perhaps? presenting the baby to some unknowing sap? would that person know what to do with the baby?